learning

College has changed my world completely.  I am learning about the Greeks, and redox reactions, exponential functions.  I am also learning how to relate to people completely unlike myself, and how to function on less than five hours of sleep.  Today I realized that I am learning to square my shoulders, swallow hard, and go through situations I find much less than pleasurable.

Take, for example, going to meet a professor to talk about all of the reasons why I got a poor grade on an english paper.  I did not want to go.  I know what a loser I am; I don't really care to discuss it in full detail with my professor.  But I had to, so I did.  It wasn't pleasant, but it was profitable.

Or...apologizing to someone I don't know well. I would really rather not - really rather not.  But it is good, in its own ugly, uncomfortable way.

I think I am growing up, at least a little.

"Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
to reveal all of You that I can."

Jennifer Knapp, Martyrs and Thieves

desperate.

Desperation is a midterm at 8am tomorrow, over material I am not familiar with, in my worst class.  It is also the inability to focus on studying for said midterm.

Desperation is math homework due Wednesday, an english midterm the Monday after fall break, and a chemistry quiz the next Wednesday.

Desperation is a disagreeable roommate situation and not knowing how to fix it.

Desperation is being stuck in Michigan when all the people you love are in Nebraska.

Desperation is undesirable situations and feeling powerless to change them.

Tonight, desperation is...

Hillsdale College.

(oh how I wish the next two weeks of my life were over!)

this is good.

Reading over old blog posts yesterday, I realized that at the beginning of 2010, I was planning to move to Omaha in the fall.  I had made the decision to go to college there, in the city where my older sister lived, only two hours from my family.

Funny how God works, huh?  At present, I am in Michigan, thirteen hours from home.  Every person I know here I have only known for a month.  It seems odd to me that nine months ago, I was so sure where I would be at the beginning of the school year: I wrote, "[Grace University is] where I will be a full time freshman next fall."  When the idea of Hillsdale came up, I applied, and was miraculously accepted.  I didn't know what to do--Hillsdale sounded like a great school, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave the state. Omaha would have been the perfect location.  Finally, I figuratively shrugged my shoulders and did a bit of an engine-engine-number-nine move.

May I just say: God is alive and involved.  Hillsdale is...perfect.  I am in the hardest place I have ever been, dealing with the toughest issues I have ever faced, but it is rewarding.  The struggle brings triumph.  The bad grade brings determination.  The feeling of being constantly overwhelmed brings loss of power and gain of trust.  Slowly, I am making friends, learning a routine, and finding a niche.  Quickly, I am changing.  And I'm happy.

someone bigger

I have been at college for one month.  In this one month I have been frustrated, stretched, annoyed, and challenged more than I have in the past year.  I haven't been blissfully happy more than twice, and I have been lonelier than ever before.  I have also been obnoxious, rude, loud, and insensitive.  Consequently, I have 2 Timothy 2:13 written everywhere:

If we are faithless, He remains faithful. He cannot disown Himself.   

Being in this place has revealed all the wads of faithlessness I've always had but never before encountered.  All of the people here who have spent more than an hour with me have discovered many flaws - I'm not very good at hiding them.  Tonight, my inconsistencies and discrepancies were screaming at me.  I was sitting in a classroom attempting to read The Odyssey, but I kept getting distracted by what a loser I was and how much I wished I were home where everything is easy.  Finally I jumped up, grabbed some chalk, and scrawled across the chalk board: "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Jesus Christ" (1 Timothy 1:14).  Every time my mind began to wander from cannibalistic cyclops' and nymphs with braided hair back to my bad day, I glanced up at the chalk board, and slowly, almost as slowly as one learns to appreciate The Odyssey, my mood shifted.  I'm not sure how, but simply looking at the words "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly" adjusted my eyes from looking inward to looking upward.  I jumped up, walked into the neighboring classroom where two of my friends were studying, and said, "Have you guys read 2 Timothy 2:13?!"  One of them looked at me quizzically and the other asked me what was wrong this time.  I emphatically replied that nothing was wrong; in fact, everything was all right because the ugly mess called Erica was of no consequence!  There was no need to focus on any of my failings, because no matter how many times I am faithless, He remains faithful! Over, and over, and over again I drop the ball, and yet none of that bears any weight on how I am loved by God!

What a thought!  It makes me want to jump up and shout!  There is someone bigger than I--someone who does not base His love for me on my love for Him.  What liberation!

Tonight, I am happy.  I am intensely human, but God is interested in me regardless.  He is drawing me closer to Him, and slowly, I hope, I will change.  All I want now is to know God--to know the One who looks beyond my fallibility and sees potential.  A lot of the time I am cynical and don't see that potential, but it must be there, for the simply reason that I am loved by God.

(Contrary to how I may sound, there are some great things about being in college, and I am so glad to be here.  I want to tell you about them sometime!)

observations from this monday

• Accountability is good. It smarts and stings, but once everything has been dealt with, you are glad for it.
• The student union is a loud place.  I walked into the deathly (deadly?) silent library to talk to Catherine, and when I told her I was going to the Union to study, she asked if my sisters and I all studied together in high school.  I said yes, and she told me that at her high school, everything was silent, owing to this the fact that I like to study in the union and she likes to study in the library. What she doesn't know is that I'm not exactly studying...
• People at my school read C.S. Lewis. (!!!)
• People at my school also sit and have philosophical discussions about the purpose of man. 
• I love the school I go to.  (To which I go.)

This is the "Fearsome Threesome." Of which I am one.

your wish is my command.

...Pictures from May 22...

beat the drum! (well, not quite.)

I don't want to make a habit of telling you useless and uninspiring information about my life on my blog -- BUT! I have plans, which I am excited about. So I will take this moment to share them briefly with you.

After I say this next sentence, you all yell and cheer and 'huzzah' like crazy, ok?

I'm a senior.

(Commence general yelling, cheering, and huzzah-ing.)

Yep, that's right. A sure-enough, no-kidding, graduating-in-approximately-four-months-two-weeks-and-one-day senior. That means that I have one more semester of high school, a semester which I am vastly eager about. I am taking two classes online: Psychology and 21st Century Faiths. (I think there will be a third, but I won't know until Tuesday.) Both sound intriguing to me and are subjects about which I am very interested to learn. (I know. It sounds ridiculous. But I couldn't end with a preposition. For Mom's sake.)

Not only that, but both are required by Grace University, where I will be a full-time freshman (it's basically like starting over at the bottom again!) next fall. I would try to convey to you how excited I am about this, but it can't be done. You'll just have to imagine.

So! In a nutshell - study a lot, have a big party, work all summer, and go to college!

Now it's your turn. If you've finished high school, tell me what you were thinking your senior year, and what you did after you graduated. If you haven't yet, tell me what you want to do with your senior year and after that!

Application Essays. Oh joy.

I am just about finished with one of the essays I have to write over break! I am hoping to get the second one finished this week so I can get back on facebook soon! On the other hand...maybe I should just stay off - one of my good friends actually called me last night! Called me! On my phone! Unbelievable. I am certain it is because I haven't been on facebok for the last two weeks. =)

Anywho, this is the first paragraph of my essay for Clarkson College.

A ninety-three year old woman with wispy grey hair and bright blue eyes sits alone at the nursing home where I work. Some days she remembers my name, on others she can’t, but it doesn’t make any difference. When she hears my voice ask if she remembers me, she simply replies “One hundred five” with a quirk of smile. She is referring to a day when I told her I loved her so much, I wanted her to live to be 105. A couple of weeks ago, I walked into her room, gave her a hug, and said “My dear, you are precious.” “I’m what?” she incredulously asked, in her shaky little voice. “You’re precious, and I hope you know that.”

a quick note...

I honestly have no clue if any of my Facebook friends read my blog, but for the few and far between that just might --

The reason I am nowhere to be found in the Facebook world is because I deactivated my account this afternoon. Why, you ask, would I remove myself - temporarily - from such a wonderful place? Well! Let me tell you!

Tomorrow (TOMORROW, people!!) is the last day of this semester. Take a whopping final, finish up a workbook, and I am outta there, baby! Next semester, I am taking classes from Grace University, and they don't begin until January 19th. This gives me exactly thirty-three days of zero school. I know. I'm rejoicing too.

Not having any demanding school deadlines, I just might be tempted to frivvle away these blissful thirty-three days. This, however, is something I absolutley, 100%, do NOT want to do, as much as I might think I do. If I waste them, they will quickly change from blissful and free to disgruntling and dissatisfying.

By deactivating my Facebook account, I am keeping myself from my stupid self. I am determined to use my precious thirty-three days of freedom wisely. I have a monstrous pile of productive things I want to accomplish, and I am not going to let myself get distracted by Facebook.

So! Email me! I will email you back!

(and just for laughs, here is a picture of my older sister and me in 1994. =)

B = ρVg = mg

You know you've been working on your physics assignment much too long when faithful Pandora actually stops playing the music and pops up a message:

"Are you still listening? We try not to play to an empty room."

No....I'm listening. I'm still here...working on my project. Keep playing, please...

*sigh*