Though now he serves me but confusedly, I shall soon lead him where the vapor clears.  The gardner knows, however small the tree, that bloom and fruit adorn its later years.

-Faust

I see the way for me

happy opening day

Tonight:

vs.

Go Dodgers!

Tomorrow afternoon:

vs.

Go Red Sox. :)

best.roommate.ever.

And Haley, my fantastic roommate, is going to be an RA next year!  She's going to be the best....I am so proud of her! And so jealous of Shan, who gets to be her roommate.  I told Shan I was going to make her a list of things to watch out for when she rooms with Haley...but then that went flat really fast because I couldn't come up with anything.

 :)  

jamming with sage

I think I had my favorite memory of the week tonight.  Juls, Sage and I took a trip to the store to pick up ice cream (blue bell!), laundry detergent and aloe vera cure because our entire bunch got burned.  Sage asked if we could play the Jams - really loud - all the way there and back.

So we did.  We turned up Coming Home as loud as we could, rolled down the windows, and I jammed to one of my favorite songs and looked up at the stars and felt the Georgia breeze on my hot face.

I'm coming home

I'm coming home

tell the world I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming home.  

georgia - for my family

(click on the pictures to see them bigger, unless it will take an hour to load each one.)

-i have a sad sunglass burn-

-for dad.  a pelican eating a fish.- 

(family, can we please play Pit over Easter break? I can't wait!)

FAIL erica...

I often claim that I shall never marry, but I haven't, until now, had much solid evidence for why I cling so stubbornly to this idea.  Tonight, my friends, I present solid, certifiable, proof.  No one will be able to argue with me any longer.

I made cookies last weekend.  The underneaths of exactly 47% of said cookies were a deep, deep deep brown...in the cooking world one would equate that color of brown with black, and declare the cookies burnt.

Tonight, I attempted to make two of my friends a chocolate cake.  I got really excited about an evening of domesticity - a friend drove me to the store, and I traipsed around picking up cocoa, oil, the works. (Of course, lest we be too domestic, I entirely forgot to get a basket, so I had goods piled up and spilling from my grasp as I flustered my way around the store...)  I got back to my dorm, rolled up my proverbial sleeves, and set to work.

Well, I think we can all guess where this is going.  The prehistoric oven I was employing insisted on turning off every time I turned my back.  Good grief!  The end result?  I ran out of time and had a half-doughy cake on my hands.  And instead of presenting a perfectly scrumptious cake to my friends, I had to present a less-than-perfect cake, along with a disclaimer: "I cook like a five-year-old boy so the middle is doughy and you'll only be able to eat the edge pieces."

What can I say? I am resigned.  I will never make a dish, or goody, or otherwise, without something going awry. Whether it be catastrophic or minor, you can bet something will happen.

And then, as a final sort of consummation to my evening of flunked domesticity, I burnt my tongue because I tried to lick the frosting saucepan too soon...

Is anyone surprised?

plentiful redemption

O Israel, hope in the Lord!
     For with the Lord there is steadfast
            love,
     and with him is plentiful redemption.

And he will redeem Israel
     from all his iniquities.

I want to go home.
::
I want my mom to hold me tight and tell me I'm ok.
::
I want my sisters to be my only friends because they are never flaky and never ditch me.
::
I want to hug my dad and tell him I'm sorry I missed his birthday and I love him so very much.
::

how I am.

Sometimes I hurt people I love. Unintentionally.

Then I spend the rest of the day hating myself for it.

marry me juliet you'll never have to be alone...

"HE KNELT TO THE GROUND AND PULLED OUT A RING! AND SAID MY TITLE."

Shann and I listened to TSwift together this afternoon.  She studied Latin and I piddled around putting bobby pins back on their little cardboard dock and thought of greater aspirations.  My spirits soared.  TSwift?  Horrible voice, but, after voice-enhancement, her songs make me smile.  I'm all about smiling.  I mean, Speak Now?! Solid stuff.

Yesterday, Hillsdale College buckled and allowed its first snow day since 1997.  It was a ginormous occasion, ushered in with screaming from all corners of the campus.  I spent the night at my home away from home - The Treehouse, where the coolest seniors live.  Lauren makes fantastic monkey bread and Nathan gives solid advice on how to avoid stupid freshman moments.  It was a good day.

My english professor is a hoot.  She loves baseball and rock music and quotes The Princess Bride in class.  She is one of those rare people who can pull off negativity - she makes it funny.  And here is the kicker: she has let us out between five and fifteen minutes early every single class period this far.  I am far from complaining.

I am taking indoor cycling!  The instructor always skips Ke$ha's Tik Tok but plays Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. I truly don't get it.

Apparently Steve Forbes was on campus earlier this week lecturing...I think perhaps I should have attended.  Badly done, Erica.

Tomorrow is Friday.  Then comes Saturday.  Then Sunday.  Exciting. :)

a shiny noise-maker night.

One of my best friends had a birthday today.  Since his family is in California, his pseudo-family stepped in.  Gag presents dominate: a Justin Bieber poster and a Taylor Swift calendar.  (You should have seen his look of despair when he realized who graced the poster.  Priceless.)  Kayla made him a delightful chocolate cake with sprinkles on top.  We blew up a whole bag of little balloons and littered the floor with them.  Thomas contributed his brand new games, and I'd wager the entire building heard us yelling "ONE!" and "TWO!" during Pit.  In my experience, there are two people during every game of Pit who band together and make sly, under-the-table trades: tonight, Rachel and James fulfilled the roles.  Ernst was a good sport and played all the games he hated.  I wore a shiny gold noise-maker in my hair and thought, "I like birthdays."

it's ok.

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up..."

Isaiah 6:1

Apparently, Uzziah was a good dude.  Confident, successful, good to his people.  He pushed back the enemy, established new territory, and made everybody happy.  He had an extensive reign, and basically was faithful and good the entire time. 

But then, as is unavoidable, he died.  And everybody panicked.  His son hadn't exactly learned how to be a good king from his dad, and nobody wanted Loser-Son on the throne.  I think maybe even Isaiah was a little freaked out.  

BUT!  He saw the Lord - "sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up."  And he realized:  we don't need Uzziah, we don't need his worthless son - we have the LORD. The Lord God, who has taken us from the land of Egypt, and established us as a people, and watched over us all this time.  So why do we freak out about who will rule over us?  We have the Lord.  

Yeah.  We have the Lord.  And He is ruling over us, so we need not fear. 

Sometimes learning the background of a passage makes it so much more marvelous.      

:)

pretty excited to be living with this girl next semester... :)  

home.

Home is growing brighter and cozier and more winsome as Christmas break slowly slips by.  When I first got back, I was at an utter loss.  Instantly the social aspect, stress, and constant to-do lists in my life disappeared.  I put down my suitcase, hugged my family, looked at myself, and thought, "Self, what are you going to do for the next month?!"  Mom, in her efficient ingenuity, came up with a boat-load of ideas: sew a dress, crochet a blanket, clean out the garage, read...

Slowly, I am making a new routine, and I think it shall be splendid.  I am working my way through the Lord of the Rings trilogy - I am hooked.  I also want to read two John Piper books, two by C.S. Lewis, and a scattering of other books.  I think I will clean out the garage - my first semester of college drained my wallet while my back was turned.  I'm going to hang out with old friends, read even more, and play lots of games with my family.

Tonight was exquisite.  Mom spent four hours in the kitchen this afternoon, preparing a first-rate meal and baking special cookies.  All of the sisters came home.  We sat around the table laughing over old memories and telling new stories.  After supper, Mom, Rachel and I played a delightful game of Settlers of Catan.  Rachel and I vied for longest road. Rachel and Mom fought neck and neck building cities.  At present, we are all in the living room, and there are two platters centrally located on the ottoman: one full of biscotti and the other piled with Mom's special cookies.  They have names like "chocolate-mint dreams" and "cat kisses."  Audrey is curled up in the big leather chair, submerged in an Agatha Christie.  Occasionally, a laugh or an "Oh I just love Hecule Poirot!" emanates from her direction.  Merrill and Dad are discussing information Merrill has gleaned from a book she found lying around: The Encyclopedic Dictionary of Cults, Sects and World Religions.  Rachel is working on something on her computer.  Mom is checking Merrill's math assignments in the corner.  George Winston's December is floating around the living room, making us all feel serene and full of thanks.  The embers are glowing hot in the fireplace - in a few minutes Dad will put more wood on the fire.

I make everything sound so perfect and ideal...because it is.  My house is so full of peace, and love, and we are all so thankful for each other, and life, and Jesus.

I love my family so, so much.

learning

College has changed my world completely.  I am learning about the Greeks, and redox reactions, exponential functions.  I am also learning how to relate to people completely unlike myself, and how to function on less than five hours of sleep.  Today I realized that I am learning to square my shoulders, swallow hard, and go through situations I find much less than pleasurable.

Take, for example, going to meet a professor to talk about all of the reasons why I got a poor grade on an english paper.  I did not want to go.  I know what a loser I am; I don't really care to discuss it in full detail with my professor.  But I had to, so I did.  It wasn't pleasant, but it was profitable.

Or...apologizing to someone I don't know well. I would really rather not - really rather not.  But it is good, in its own ugly, uncomfortable way.

I think I am growing up, at least a little.

"Well I've never been much for the baring of soul
In the presence of any man
I'd rather keep to myself all safe and secure
In the arms of a sinner I am
Could it be that my worth should depend
By the crimson stained grace on a hand
And like a lamp on a hill Lord I pray in Your will
to reveal all of You that I can."

Jennifer Knapp, Martyrs and Thieves

a lovely break

What a lovely fall break this has been!  I am on a farm in Boscobel, Wisconsin, surrounded by rolling hills and trees with orange leaves and cattle and barns.  Here, I have found a little piece of home. The scenery is different, and the people are different.  But in little corners I have found aspects of where I live:  cattle calling across the pasture for their calves, a brilliant sunset, worship music coming from the piano, and most of all, peace.

This morning, I met one of my best friends (and her sister!) for coffee and a spontaneous thrift store run.  I love it when you don't think you will see someone for months, and then suddenly it happens that you will see them right away!  It was lovely.

Tomorrow, we go back to Hillsdale.  Back to class, and homework, and people, and stress.  I am very much thankful for these few days to take a deep breath, relax and remember how good God is.

desperate.

Desperation is a midterm at 8am tomorrow, over material I am not familiar with, in my worst class.  It is also the inability to focus on studying for said midterm.

Desperation is math homework due Wednesday, an english midterm the Monday after fall break, and a chemistry quiz the next Wednesday.

Desperation is a disagreeable roommate situation and not knowing how to fix it.

Desperation is being stuck in Michigan when all the people you love are in Nebraska.

Desperation is undesirable situations and feeling powerless to change them.

Tonight, desperation is...

Hillsdale College.

(oh how I wish the next two weeks of my life were over!)

this is good.

Reading over old blog posts yesterday, I realized that at the beginning of 2010, I was planning to move to Omaha in the fall.  I had made the decision to go to college there, in the city where my older sister lived, only two hours from my family.

Funny how God works, huh?  At present, I am in Michigan, thirteen hours from home.  Every person I know here I have only known for a month.  It seems odd to me that nine months ago, I was so sure where I would be at the beginning of the school year: I wrote, "[Grace University is] where I will be a full time freshman next fall."  When the idea of Hillsdale came up, I applied, and was miraculously accepted.  I didn't know what to do--Hillsdale sounded like a great school, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave the state. Omaha would have been the perfect location.  Finally, I figuratively shrugged my shoulders and did a bit of an engine-engine-number-nine move.

May I just say: God is alive and involved.  Hillsdale is...perfect.  I am in the hardest place I have ever been, dealing with the toughest issues I have ever faced, but it is rewarding.  The struggle brings triumph.  The bad grade brings determination.  The feeling of being constantly overwhelmed brings loss of power and gain of trust.  Slowly, I am making friends, learning a routine, and finding a niche.  Quickly, I am changing.  And I'm happy.