(Preface: Tonight, I am simply blogging about what is on my mind. Take it or leave it. Like it or hate it. Like me or hate me for it. But please don't misunderstand me.)
When I was younger, I always wanted to be a bit of a rebel. I naively believed that I was like everyone else, and I didn't want to fit in with the masses - I wanted to be different. I wanted to stand out. Then, I got a job and started going to a school (versus being homeschooled), and I realized how peculiar I really am.
I have yet to figure out if I like it. The sensible side of me is saying "It's cool, Erica. You know you don't want to be another average-josephine. It's good to be different. Relish it." The lonely side of me says "They think you're weird. Who wants to be weird? It's not fun to say 'well, actually, I'm not much of a partier.' That makes you weird. You don't fit in." ('Cause I really don't.)
Not only are you automatically a weirdo, but you're instantly alone. People are perpetually inquisitive, and ask us "soo...do you have any social life? Do you have any friends?" We inwardly roll our eyes and outwardly explain that we do indeed have friends, and we do know how to socialize.
But even as I roll my eyes, I see a measure of truth in their words. Sure, I have friends. One lives in Wisconsin, another in Oklahoma. I have a few scattered here-and-there around Nebraska. But do I have a good friend I can call up spur-of-the-moment and say "hey, let's go to a movie!" or "hey, come over tonight; I'm bored"? No. I don't.
Sometimes I think that if I would tweak my ideals, I would have multitudes of friends. Friends right here where I live. Maybe if I cussed a little...maybe if I wore spaghetti straps and mini skirts. Ooh! A boyfriend would help! Maybe if I quit being so picky about what media I take in. It's tempting. Honestly. One of these days I'm going to go to one of these parties I hear about, just to see what it's like. One of these days maybe I'll watch a movie that is indecent and gross, and then I'll regret it. Maybe that's what it will take for me to realize that I truly don't want to blend in.
I know some awesome people who don't think the same way I do. I don't want to bash people that have a different lifestyle than I. But, as much as I wish it wasn't so, we can't seem to mix. The two worlds collide, and I'm not convinced they're comaptible. So, I cling to the hope that there really are other weird people like me, hidden deep in some crevice of this county, and someday I will find them and no longer feel alone.
I'm doubtful.
3 comments:
It feels absolutely horrible to be seen as a freak!
I have been getting allot of that lately. Every time some one finds out that this is my last year of school they ask the same question: "are you going to collage?"
How do you tell a stranger that your not sure whether or not your going to collage yet? That God hasn't let you know yet what's next? The few people I have told that to have all given me a sympathetic "oh your one of thous" look. I can't stand that!
I guess the thing for us to remember is that Jesus wasn't like by the "cools" or the "populars" of his time ether.
And yet he still had thousands how loved and worshiped him.
Never compromise what you know is right for what others think is "cool"!
I know what you mean Erica. I'm sure you feel more weird than I do sometimes because you're around non-Christians/non-homeschoolers more than I am. But I can sympathize. You're not the only weird one... :D
I guess all I can say is we will be blessed in the end for enduring these "hardships." I know it doesn't seem worth it at times, but I guess our puny minds can't comprehend the rewards we will inherit for being the odd balls. You know what I mean?
I know we live kinda far away, but seriously Erica, you can call me whenever just to chat!! I love you and I value our friendship.
Hi Erica,
After reading this post, I think back to my experience of growing up in Seward. I have been where you are, and felt like the odd one out. I don't know if I can say I came through with flying colors and no regrets, but I can say that God was faithful. Even in the loneliest seasons, if I would turn to Him, He brought me to the other side, to a place of encouragement and refreshing.
"...But I desire you to be truly wise as to good, but simple toward evil." Romans 16:19b
The thing that stuck out to me was what you said about movies. I just wanted to comment about my experience in that arena. When I was 17, I went through my "rebellious stage". It wasn't so much that I was way out there, doing really bad things, but in what I chose to wear and what I chose to set before my eyes, I was pushing a little bit at the boundaries that had always been in place by my parents. I still wanted to serve the Lord, and still had a standard of a line I did not want to cross.
Long story short. Although I tried to steer clear of movies that were, shall we say, promiscuous, I did not have much of a guard up against violence. One by one, the movies got more and more violent, with some of the violence being very needless and cruel. After one such movie, it suddenly hit me, "What am I DOING?"
From that day on, I began to really take care to guard what was set before my eyes.
And like I said, though I tried to steer clear of promiscuity, it was sometimes in the movies I watched, and even though I would turn my eyes away/fast forward, there was still enough of a mark upon my mind from what went through the eye gate.
The whole point of what I am saying is this: The things that go into our eyes are imprinted on our mind. Out of the blue images come up, YEARS later, and they are HARD to get rid of. I am talking earnest prayer, repentance, washing of the water of the Word, over and over and over. It does not go away easily. Praise to God, the stain can be washed away and you can be made whole, but I would so much rather have never gone that way. It causes a lot of sorrow down the road.
Be thankful that you are different. You are called to be set apart and clean. Once a word was given to me that I was telling myself, "'I am so strange; I am so different!' Surely thou art strange and thou art different; thou art a peculiar people, saith the Lord!"
Be His peculiar treasure. I'm standing with you.
Kristi W.
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